Sometimes things just work out

So I have not been to worried about the fact I am homeless come Sunday night.  And I cannot explain why I am not worried.  Maybe it is because I have other places to go.  I think it is mostly because, unencumbered by “stuff” I can go wherever the wind blows.  This is truly the most liberating feeling in the world.  So much freedom.  I can do where I want when I want and stay where I want.  Its amazing.

This also allows me to wait for the best opportunity, where I really feel as if the universe is offering me exactly what I need, instead of taking the first thing that comes along afraid of “securing” something.  In fact, many of the choices I have made in the past are to be “secure” or to get something before someone else does and constantly looking for something better that I missed out on because I chose to be secure. Being able to choose what I want and waiting for opportunities is really allowing me to listen to the world or god or universe or intuition or myself.  Whatever it is, I am listening to it.  I am learning who I am and about the world and people around me like I have not been able to before.  It really is amazing.

And I have not even left yet!

This afternoon the Universe told me where I will be staying, for part of the time at least, after Saturday.  I had given up on the apartment search temporarily and was thinking I would have to couch surf around friends hoping not to bug one friend too much.  Only, a lot of my friends live 45 minutes to an hour or more from downtown Orlando, where I work.  I have done that commute before, but it is a beast.  So I texted my friend M that I would like to take her up on an offer to stay at her place.  She told me she had just talked to a girlfriend of one of her clients who works half the time in Florida and half the time out of state.  She has a really nice loft apartment about 5 miles from where I work.  Perfect location because I can bike to work, most of the way on a bike path.  I just need to find a bike. When she is in state I have other people who I can stay with, including M. All possible because I am sans “stuff.”

I am meeting the boyfriend today to check out the apartment and can be in there before Sunday if we agree!  Amazing how things just work out sometimes.  Paulo Coelho says the Universe conspires to help those chasing their dreams.  I think it might possibly be that if you truly listen to the Universe it is always there to offer you nurturing and solutions.  It is the beginning and end of us, it is us.  Its existence is our existence.  So people – listen!

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Pay attention to the here in now or you might step into a big pile of dog….

Jack is gone

So, its a bittersweet day.  I am one HUGE step closer to leaving, but that step involved my wonderful, loving, best friend, caring, sweetheart, cuddly dog, Jack, to make his way to Michigan with my parents.  I have to admit, its hard to even type this.  I feel like such a jerk for abandoning my dog, even though I know it is better for him to not be here now.  Heck, it might have been better for him to be there even if I was not leaving. Since this kind of leads into the middle of the story, let me start from the beginning…

Where are you? In Savannah

So my mom was coming and then not coming and then she wasn’t coming but eventually when I told her that she could take Jack she decided she could brave her “nerves” and make the trip to Florida. It is a long drive and they were planning on driving straight through Friday morning to Saturday. Worked out perfectly since Friday night I was going to a Chris Botti concert (review next!) with my friend Kathy.  It also allowed Jack to go over and say good bye to Kathy and her family one last time.

So Friday morning at work I was mostly worried about whether we were going to get there on time if we left at 430 (barely) and if I could get in a nap before I left.  So I get a call at 720.  It is my mom, “So, where are you?.”  I replied cautiously, “Um…I am at work, where are you?”

“In Savannah.  See you soon.”

Soon, like in three hours.  Apparently they left Thursday night to miss those horrible storms that whipped through Indiana and Kentucky.  And thank God they did, they just could have, ya know, called me.  So I call my boss and tell him I have to leave early (at 930) and I already worked over time (which I had hoped to cash in) so my hours were okay.  I worked like crazy to get a job done by the time I left and then ran like a crazy person home to clean, clean, clean.  My house was a mess.  boxes everywhere, dirty floor, dirty dishes, etc.  I cleaned like crazy and a in the few hours I had it was spotless, well almost spotless, just as they pulled in.

They brought two of their four dogs with them to make sure they got along with Jack and because mom does not do well without them any more.  It was an instant hit for my dog.  He just loved their dogs.  Their dogs tolerated him but mostly ignored him.  Abbea would chase the ball and Jack would chase Abbea.  It was funny, Abbea hardly even noticed he was there biting her ankles.

So fast forward to me going to the concert, going to Disney with my parents, packing stuff up for the yard sale, selling furniture on Craigslist, mom getting an emergency tooth extraction, and getting my first pair of real glasses and sun glasses with corrective lenses (love the sunglasses, not the regular glasses) and it was Thursday suddenly.  A whole week flew by.  Friday they were going to leave to Michigan.  I had to give up my precious Jack the very next day.

Final walk

So, instead of  going out to dinner to use my gift card I got for crappy service at a Darden owned restaurant, mom and dad brought home food and cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory so Jack and I could spend the night with each other.  We went for our last walk around Cranes Roost together and then walked with Michelle and her dogs Hercules and H2.  And I admit, I balled.  I cried so hard people probably were wondering what was wrong with me.  As we were walking around Cranes Roost though, I realized I was so busy being upset and missing Jack and being preoccupied with moving that I was not actually spending the last moments I had WITH Jack.  Just being in the moment and walking my dog.  I realized this when I looked up at the sky.  It was a gorgeous sunset towards the west, bright pinks and oranges tinged with gold (much prettier with my new corrective sunglasses I must say).  To the North there were some intimidating black clouds that blew away very fast, leaving the smell of jasmine and orange blossoms in the air.  It was really the perfect Florida night.

If I was caught up in my emotion and attached to my own misery, I was not going to be able to spend this moment with Jack.  I would not have noticed the toddler getting chased by ducks, or the couple walking two massive dogs (not sure of the breed but HUGE) with a third little chihuahua leading the pack, or how in the east the sky was the most beautifully faded colors of blue and pink.  I would not have noticed the couple who wanted to say hi to Jack and who I had a great conversation with.  I also would not have noticed the pile of dog crap in the middle of the sidewalk, that some poor runner ran into.  I also would not have noticed the smile Jack looked up at me with his smiley face and wagging tale, questioning what adventure we were going on next.

My first goodbye

I know he is better off with them.  He was so much happier when they were here.  He was hardly ever alone (and hardly ever will be in Michigan) and when he was he had two friends to play with.  He loves mom and dad and the girls.  He did not chew on anything or pee on the floor.  He is much better off.  And at no point while I was walking around with Jack on our last walk did I think it was the wrong choice.  That did not make it any easier though.  This morning when mom and dad left at 5:30 (and they still have not called me with an update) I was a mess.  I forced Jack to cuddle with me on the couch one last time and took him to the car.  It was horrible, but necessary.

I also know he will be here when I get back, but in the mean time I have to come home and open a door where no happy puppy dog face greets me, shaking his ears and his collar tinkling. No one to cuddle with if I get scared at night.  No one to walk with at 2 in the morning when I cannot sleep.  No one to be there all the time so I never feel lonely.  No one to give me that unconditional love a dog gives.  I know it is all selfish, but I will miss him.  He was my baby.  No, he still IS my baby.  I just need to get over feeling as if I am abandoning him and feeling sorry for myself.

I realized though that I have been looking for something to come home to.  I did not think I had anything.  No boyfriend or kid.  I do not live near my family.  No house.  No job that makes me motivated to get up in the morning.  But, I had Jack all along.  I should have been a better mom to him.  Those, fairly frequent, times where I spent an hour later at work, were they really worth it?  Staying late and then going to yoga? Jack is definitely the number one thing I will miss.

My therapist pretty much told me today to keep on keeping on, in much more eloquent sounding words.  To use my skills I have developed to get this thing done.  Next weekend my lease is up.  So, I did what I do in such a situation, I went to yoga.  Happy Hour yoga at Altamonte Springs Yoga to be precise.  I even donated two bottles of wine (my parents brought four more down with them).  It was just what I needed. Then I chatted with and sold items to yoga friends, the yoga community is so nice to have at times like now.

So I am going to keep on keeping on.  Soon a post about the Chris Botti concert and Disney!  And I will probably take a trip to Epcot Flower and Garden Festival to take pictures.  I also need to find a place to stay after next week, which I am amazing not worried about.  And there are plenty more good byes to make.  But for now, I am going to go to bed.  There is a garage sale to tend to tomorrow; a day to say good bye to so much stuff!

Roll with the punches…but what direction?

So, I have been sitting at work reading travel blogs for a while because business is very slow.  In consulting it is like slow torture.  Your billable percent slips lower and lower yet there is nothing you can do about it when you are at a certain level.  I am not allowed to market nor do I have a PE (professional engineering license) to do so.  When I finally give in to the fact that I am not going to make it, I make plans.  I am leaving this job where my most common work task is to make copies.  Yes, that is right, they pay me a lot of money to make copies.

Now, some people in the world might say.  Wow, pay me lots of money to make copies and reading blogs, sounds cushy.  Not me.  I am not that type of person.  I am the type of person who needs to feel intellectually or physically stimulated, preferably both at the same time.  Pressing the “copy” button does not count.  I feel the need to be doing something that makes a difference or is productive.  I want to be cultivated skills that will be able to break me out from the pack and be able to be successful so that I can carve my own path.  I am not going to get that by making copies or surfing the internet.

However, today I was given enough work (only HALF of it copying and scanning) to get me through June at least.  However, I was beginning to think June was my estimated time of departure.  I have not applied for my visa yet, nor have I bought my ticket yet.  I am not quite to my savings goal.  So I could stay.  If I stay until August I could take more classes this summer to defer my loans and prepare for graduate school.  If I stay until October I could get my PE and probably be sponsored full time in many countries because I have a degree in Chemical Engineering and work in Environmental/Water and Wastewater Engineering.  But that is the slippery slope I have been on for the last 5 years.  I will just work a few years to pay off some of my loans, get some experience, and figure out what I want to study and where I want to study for my masters or if I want to get a PhD instead.  Always next year, and the next year it always seems more impossible.

So what is the answer.  Push back a few months?  If I go in August it will be right before my 28th birthday.  If I want to do Australia and New Zealand for the entire year then I have to leave by then because I got the impression New Zealand cuts off at the day you turn 30 (Australia was inclusive of 30, I suppose I could reverse the order).  But if I work until August/October I can make that much more money, especially if I get my PE. If I quit in June it would be mid project which is kind of rotten.  But its business right, would I be afforded the same thought if they were going to let me go?

So.  Here I am at a crossroads, a test I am sure life is throwing at me at an opportune moment to test my on the fly decision making and flexibility.  I am willing to roll with the punches, but I am not sure which way to roll?  Which path do I take?