I have always had two sides of me that struggle with each other. I am sometimes quiet and elusive and at other times a chatter box that hums and vibrates with excitement. I think there are even some people who think I am quiet and shy and others that think I am brazen and outspoken. There are a few who know both sides of the coin and deal with it amazingly, and I love them for it.
I can be a person who walks through a crowd, head up smiling and greeting everyone who walks by. I can take in all of the energy of the people and activity and become energized, reveling in the commotion. I can also be the person with her head down, overwhelmed and self conscious. In these times I feel as if I cannot connect with the crowd and that I am not a part of the crowd. In these times I wish for nothing but to get to where I am going and get out.
In the same way, I can find a quiet evening alone lonely and oppressing. Other similar nights the evening feels calming and full of still energy. There is so much potential energy in the stillness of a rock before it falls or a dam before it breaks.
Traveling can sometimes feel like crazy commotion that never ends or a lonely place where you do not know anyone. It can also be a place full of new adventure and new people and pure amazement at what exists in the world. But as much as constant movement seems like high energy when you are in the situation, I am realizing how similar everything and everyone is. I am also realizing how much we are in control of that feeling everywhere we are and yet how insignificant it is.
I overlook a town that is bursting to the seems with people on the weekends and seems dead silent during the week. Unless of course you venture into the market or near the school. There is still the ever persistent buzz of daily life. Life that is similar to anywhere in the world. Happening to walk by the school when the children are release, chatting excitedly. Listening to a women discuss her cut of meat with the butcher. Watching a mother marvel at the pure joy of their young child learning something new. A warm and sunny Sunday evening with families in their lawns, dogs bellies being rubbed, young girls squealing with laughter and their parents sharing a content smile. A young couple holding hands and gazing into each others’ eyes. Its so familiar without any words.
In our lives, all of the big moments, scary, exhilarating or both, fade in their enormity. The butterflies abate, the fear softens, and the excitement simmers instead of flares. If you can look past the things that distract you from the moment, you can find the same stillness in a crowded market as in the empty plaza hours later. It is the clear head and the knowledge of my existence in the crowd that makes me confidently walk through the world with a smile on my face. You do not see the noise and are not distracted by the people because you are a part of it. Ever evolving and changing to what is around you on the surface, while never changing at the core. At the core your big exciting adventure of the day is normal and average on the scale of a lifetime or the scale of everyone’s lifetimes yet it is so unique.
Instead of feeling boring or as if there is no point or the need to squelch desire and still the energy around me, I can feel the stillness more inside me and all around me. And it is wonderful and beautiful and awe-inspiring. It is life and death and the sun rising and my whole world expanding. It is peace and bliss and I am the one who controls whether I recognize it and cultivate it. I have heard people say before that trying to reach nirvana/bliss/overcoming humanity/buddhism would be boring because there is no good without even, no life without passion, and no success without strife. Where I am does not matter. Who I am is all that matters. Right now I am a traveler and writer and nap taker and I know whatever I am tomorrow I can bring this bliss with me if I choose to. That is not resigning to fate but living it. This is there in good times and bad and I do not need either to see it. I simply must choose to see it.
Some times it is so easy to see, to feel.