A Millennial’s Path to Awakening

It’s the big bad world.  And according to Time, my narcissistic tendencies are the only reason  I spend hours on social media and I have been in my parents house since March.  Truth be told, I am stuck and have been stuck since I returned to Colombia. I  thought I had a job in Texas.  I really did.  Finally an interview, and a 6 hour one at that.  It was moving forward, though sometimes felt like moving backwards.  I am still confused where I want to go, or where I can go in this economy.

But apparently me even trying to figure this out or my entire generation trying to find out who we are in within such constraints as a crumbling economy, a government that is broken, the social services our parent’s generation was guaranteed us are being taken away by that generation, we are strapped with debt that cannot be settled, and our jobs and training are being by held hostage by people who are so afraid of not being hirable if they are let go that basic information and knowledge is not being transferred to the future.

But me wanting to share what I do in during the day to prove to myself that I am not useless.  Yes I sit here on my parents couch, no place I ever thought I would be this long, connecting with social media.  Trying to make connections on Linked In, finding people from college on Facebook to see if they know of any job openings, or building houses and gardens on Pinterest board because I cannot afford them in my life.

Every time I hear my computer ding from an email or Facebook message I still get this small pang of hope inside that maybe, maybe it was a job offer or someone finally responding about even a volunteer position.  It’s not, at least not normally.  Normally it is a friend responding to posts about applications for teaching English somewhere or someone  posting pictures with motivational quotes.  When I get up in the morning, if I can get myself to leave the bed having absolutely nothing to look forward to, I say I will just spend a few minutes looking for a job or a few minutes on Facebook.  It always ends up being hours and hours.  Searching through job posts, reading status posts, looking at pictures of your friends’ children, houses, and everything you do not have.  I make myself walk my dog and garden for my parents, but when the weather is not pleasant I do not know what to do.

The hardest part though, is the most narcissistic   If I cannot be an Engineer because I am too qualified or under qualified, or I cannot get a part-time job because my last 8 years of experience is all professional experience, what do I do?  If I spend all my time figuring out what I would do if I could do anything and then get a “real job,” can I give up my dreams to replace them with the dream of paying my student loans of and having a beautiful garden? The dream of settling down and having a family was always unknown for me, I never saw me in a conventional life.  But, now that future for me, and many other people in my same shoes is inconceivable.  The “normal” life path is unable to be achieved in the near future.

So, us narcissistic Millennial’s focus on what we can to get through the days and dream of what we can have in our out-side-of-the-box futures.  What can get us by and is it that we want?  What can make us a generation that does not need Prozac to be happy?  I sold most of my stuff to get rid of the expenses of materialism.  It helped.  I traveled to the number one place on my bucket list.  It helped. Just in this brief amount of letting go, I lost 40 pounds.  It helped too.  But now what?  Now where?

I need work, temporary as it might be but seem to be stuck in a rut that even I am having problems crawling out of.  No one wants to hire me in case I leave them for a job that is in my field, which is plausible.  If I cannot find a permanent job, how do I pay my loans?  We are a generation with more questions than answers.  Sometimes it is exciting that we mostly have a blank slate to make what we want out of.  Sometimes it is overwhelming, like jumping off a cliff into an ocean.  Are you too high?  Is the water deep enough?

For me, I have an opportunity to travel to Spain in the fall to teach English, if I can find enough money to get me by until then and for my first few months. The Camino de Santiago is next on my bucket list so it works out well in that regard.   Money will be tight, but it is already.  It will be stressful, but it is already. So, until them I am going to pour my energy into figuring out what to see in Spain, when to do my camino, what I want to eat, places to volunteer for board.  And, hopefully, if I follow something I know I like and I want, more pieces will fall in place. I have followed the rules my entire life and those rules are now useless and broken.  So, I am making my own.  And that might make me entitled, but I think it is better than blindly following the most narcissistic people who thought creating these rules to get rich off of was worth the loss of so many people’s livelihoods.  I don’t think we are any more narcissistic, I think we are awakening.

Our elders are really the victims, we have a wide open future to fix the mistakes, their livelihoods are falling apart, what they believe is found to be a world-wide hoax.  Yet, this is apparently what they think of us.

Either way, if you are in Madrid in the fall, we can be narcissists together.

Officially Unemployed…Let the Traveling Begin

Unemployed

So as of Thursday I was told I will no longer be working for my company.  It was not a huge surprise, but still somewhat unsettling.  I do not quite have the amount of money I would like to have to be able to travel without worrying about money and my student loans.

Things to Think About

Tomorrow I am heading for Michigan to see my family and visit my grandmother who is sick.  While I am there I will think about what my next step is.  I am thinking in July or August I will head to  south America.  July would be preferable time wise because that gives me a July and August and part of September to get through Colombia and Ecuador and then I can be in Peru at Machu Picchu at the end of September for my birthday.  However, August would give me more time to save up money (if I can find a source of income, I guess there is always unemployment but that is not a lot of money).  Plus flights are dirt cheap to Cartagena in August, $240 one way from Detroit and $115 one way from Miami from Spirit.

Also, I need to grieve the ending of one passage and celebrate the beginning of another.  I forgot how the much power grieving can give to the celebration of new.  I was not previously celebrating the end of where I was in life so I was not being reborn into my new life. That is why I felt I was not moving on i think.

So I have things to think about.

Maps

In order to visualizing my thinking process, I am putting together a Google Map of places I want to visit.  I just started so it only has a few pages, but you can add suggestions to it!  This map is open to suggestions.  Places I want to go or I am thinking of going are in green.  If you could add in suggested sites, transportation, hostels, etc in colors OTHER than green, that would be great!  I will make another map of my final destinations and projected path once I get going!

I added a few pages to the website for Maps.  On the top Menu under Travel you can access my Maps page and under the Maps page is my South America Suggestions Map Page.  Also, I am looking for help trying to figure out how to embed the Google Map to my blog page.  Google’s instructions are here, however, when I try to follow them WordPress does not accept the HTML and just changes it to a click-able URL link.  Am I just not allowed to do that on WordPress?

Loose Ends

One of the things I am doing now is tying up all those loose ends I should have taken care of long ago. This includes getting shots and doctors visits in before my insurance ends, visiting friends, cleaning out my car and doing one last downgrade of all my “stuff” that i have left, getting rid of my cell phone and getting a cheaper pay as you go plan (anyone have suggestions on where to find an unlocked gsm phone?), deciding what to do about a computer (mine is so heavy), and setting up my house sitting profiles.

I have not joined a site yet.  An article written by Nora Dunn, the Professional Hobo, has a discount to Trusted House Sitter. I did, however, put up the recommendations I got a long time ago from friends and family I have house sat for in the past (well I have two of them).

House Sitting Profile

So, if you need someone to stay in your house while you travel and watch your puppy or kitty, here are:

My house sitting profile

Sarah H. Recommendation

Kathy M. Recommendation

You can also find a link to those pages at the top menu on the right hand side!

So Many Changes

I hope you can all keep up with all the changes to the blog and my life, because I am having trouble with it!

 

The Fork in the Path of my Dreams

Sometimes I feel that even though at that pivotal moment I chose not to follow my dreams, I am still living that life as if it is not my choice.  As if at the fork in the road, I took the wrong path but every step I make feels like it is the wrong step because part of me is still on the other path.  The difference between the life of my dreams and the life I live is that the other decisions I make based on the life I am living do not seem to make sense.  I feel as if that is because they do not make sense to the life I should be living.  My body and mind and soul are drawn to making decisions that promote my dream life like water will choose the path of least resistance as it carves out a river.  If you reroute that flow it might flow in another direction, but its purpose and destination do not change.  And if that river has enough force, it eventually reverts back to the path it was meant to flow.  I think when I get depressed and anxious I am making decisions that do not coincide with my true self which always exists in its perfect dream life.  Anxiety and depression are the rocks that the river cannot cut through and are resistance to show me I am going in the wrong direction.   Relationships and situations are the catalysts to me choosing to change my path, even if I do not realize they are doing it by either being softer or harder than they are supposed to be. 

 
Keeping on course is a hard, probably an impossible task.  But, this also gives me hope that if I listen and watch myself and my flow in life, that I will always find a way out of darkness and tough situation.  I can also be content knowing no matter how far off course I am, I can always find the path from where I am.  And look what I can accomplish along the way.  It might take time but I can slice through mountains and carve out gorges.  I can push through imposed barriers and also sustain life and provide energy.  My energy might ebb and flow with the rotation of the earth, but no one can take more from me than I have to give.  I can always find a way, whether it is cascading down, around, under, over or through.  And eventually, one day, lifetimes from now, I will be completely evaporated into the clouds and rejoin and be dispersed to every part of the world as energy and life, leaving behind all impurities on the dry river bed.  Until then I can take comfort continuously living in a cycle of giving and receiving energy, life, and love.
I tried to buy a ticket today to Peru and it did not work.  Error in the booking system.  Is it a sign about my path or just something testing my resolve?