Today I moved on. I moved on and I did not even realize I had. I blame that on driving though a tropical storm. I had been going through all the motions of telling people good-bye. Last dinners, last yoga classes, last Bones marathon, last massage… And I finally realized all of those butterflies that I did not think I was feeling, had built up in my body because I did not see them. I have been scanning myself to see where my anxiety was related to my upcoming trip. It is a huge adventure with a lot of risk. I kept going over everything I knew that will make the trip amazing and safe as a preventative measure. But today I realized, as I was approaching the Florida/ Georgia border, that I was nervous about everything I was leaving behind. Worrying that no one cared, that I would never be able to replace the people in my life, that I was imposing on people, and that I was ending of the sweetest part of life I have experienced ever. When would I come back? Would I come back?
I could have prolonged my departure because of the storm. I had a nice family letting me stay with them in a safe place. But, I felt that I had to move on and for me the border was some symbolic line I was crossing on my trip. I had not felt those excited butterflies about my trip because I was saying good-bye, not starting out on my adventure. I was afraid I would never start. I knew I would not make it to Savannah with my camera today because of the rain, but I could at least get over the Florida border.
As it turns out though, the one good reason to delay a trip that is always okay is tropical weather. It was a white knuckle, floating across the road, white wash spray kind of drive. At one point I was passed on both sides by cars and the spray from those cars made it seem like my entire car was underwater. When the rain let up for a small amount of time, I looked for a mile marker to see how far I had gone. I was already 14 miles over the border and I had not even noticed. I was not worrying about having to say good-bye or to force myself to let go of something, I was moving on.
My detour took me to the most amazing hostel that is in tree houses with community buildings, gardens, kitchen, composting bathrooms, outdoor showers, a glass room for yoga and massage, a lake, a pool, and so much lush green forest you are surrounded by frogs and crickets. Yet, from the time I set foot in this amazing place, I could feel those people I had been saying good-bye to with me on the journey. I had spent too much energy trying to find closure on a part of my life in places I did not want to close the doors. I never realized that, not only do I not need to close those doors, I could never close them if I tried. For the first time, I am not trying to end part of my life. I am simply moving on to a different place in the world; moving on to a different place in myself.
(Written June 26, 2012 in my little hut in the forest)