Finding My Voice

Lately I am realizing that some of my discontent of feeling as if my decisions do not match the path I am on (but the path I should be on) is that I am having problems communicating my frustrations.  I have always had a hard time walking my OWN path while including other people and their visions of their (and my) path.  They do not always coincide.

So, as a general getting this out there I am just listing things that have frustrated me.  This is not a bash time on people, it is not about that.  This is about me simply showing my process of finding my own voice so that I can use it to carve out my own path.  That is essentially what any personal blog is about.

Yoga

I am getting more picky in where, when and what I spend on yoga.  I like the atmosphere that is more laid back and offers a good sequence and adjustment that is strong, deep slower.  My body is not the “average” yoga body.  I am big and somewhat fat and have big boobs but I am also very muscular and have joints that are too flexy in places. I have structural issues I need to deal with in a way that might not flow with your class.  My not doing poses has nothing to do with you.  It is hard to keep my own ego out of my practice if I have to deal with yours.

Also because my body is different, sometimes I cannot get into those positions.  Cow face pose, yeah between my legs and boobs there is no room for a stretch and honestly having boobs in your face is really sweaty and hard to breathe.  I will do double pigeon because I actually get a stretch there and I am not breathing boobage.  I am okay with that, why aren’t you?

Suffering People

I am tired of having people who think they are offering you so much and are suffering because they give so much and think that this suffering is endearing.  I used to feel guilty about it.  Now I realize I am wasting my energy.  This is their choice, not mine.  These people also seem to think their decisions are much more important (kids/mortgage/husband/business/job/no job etc).  Suffering is not endearing, it does not make anyone special, and unless a person learns something from it they will not grow.  I will give them compassion and I might even still choose to love them, but I cannot be around this.  I turn into this kind of person when I am around them, so I will choose not to be around you if you are one of them.

I am not lucky, I am motivated, strong, determined, resourceful, smart, and flexible.

This sort of goes with the above, but I am tired of hearing “You are so lucky you do not have…kids, a spouse, a mortgage, other debts, etc.”  This is not luck.  This is a choice.  You live your choices I live mine.  If you do not like how you are living, change it.  If you are merely thinking you are offering me a complement, I do not think you are.  The reason for this is simply selfish.  I do have my own problems, student loans and me taking the steps to travel is very hard.  I keep hearing “I wish I could do that but I cannot because….”  I have those things.  For people who seem to think that I am doing this because it is an easy point in my life, that is not true.  I have my own commitments and worries and everything else.  If you want to say something like “I wish I had your strength/commitment/passion etc.”  That is a complement that does not make me second guess this decision.  It is a very hard choice to make.  It is not easy.  Moving from house to house every week to find cheap accommodation is not easy. It is so worth it though, to me.

Also, this is almost a phrase that is supposed to make you either feel guilty or shamed for yourself and/or pity for the other person.  How rude is that.  I feel compassion for both of us and gratitude for what I have, but I am done wasting my energy on guilt, shame, and pity.  They gain nothing.

Sorry you feel that way

Sort of like “I am sorry you feel that way”.  Honestly you have no business deciding how I should feel.  You can be sorry for YOUR actions nothing more.  You will not make me feel guilty or ashamed for how I feel.  If you are not sorry for your actions do not try to act like you are giving compassion, you are not, you are trying to disenfranchise my feelings and not feel guilty about your own action.

Lack of Follow Through

This one includes myself in it.  Lately people (again, including myself) say something like “oh that is a great idea, we should do it” and nothing ever happens.  People try to please everyone and no one gets pleased.  Sometimes this is because no one is really committed.  Sometimes people want to say that they want to do it but they really only like the idea of it.  I am living trying to live my life in the moment and really live it.  To do this I need to depend on people being able to take action, including myself.

My Voice

I do not think we should feel guilty for setting our boundaries and being true to ourselves.  There is certainly a nice way of doing this and a not so nice way.  My problem with this is that I let it go to long and then snap. I am sorry if I have done this to you.  So this is my public avowal that I will continue with my mantra of late and put it into practice.

“I will not doubt the decisions I have made, I will make all future decisions with conviction and compassion, and I will have confidence that each step I take is where it is supposed to be.” 

As Rob said in yoga the other day.  You learn something from everyone, even if it is what not to do.  I think you learn something from every decision, even if it is what you would never do again.

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