Sometimes I feel that even though at that pivotal moment I chose not to follow my dreams, I am still living that life as if it is not my choice. As if at the fork in the road, I took the wrong path but every step I make feels like it is the wrong step because part of me is still on the other path. The difference between the life of my dreams and the life I live is that the other decisions I make based on the life I am living do not seem to make sense. I feel as if that is because they do not make sense to the life I should be living. My body and mind and soul are drawn to making decisions that promote my dream life like water will choose the path of least resistance as it carves out a river. If you reroute that flow it might flow in another direction, but its purpose and destination do not change. And if that river has enough force, it eventually reverts back to the path it was meant to flow. I think when I get depressed and anxious I am making decisions that do not coincide with my true self which always exists in its perfect dream life. Anxiety and depression are the rocks that the river cannot cut through and are resistance to show me I am going in the wrong direction. Relationships and situations are the catalysts to me choosing to change my path, even if I do not realize they are doing it by either being softer or harder than they are supposed to be.
Keeping on course is a hard, probably an impossible task. But, this also gives me hope that if I listen and watch myself and my flow in life, that I will always find a way out of darkness and tough situation. I can also be content knowing no matter how far off course I am, I can always find the path from where I am. And look what I can accomplish along the way. It might take time but I can slice through mountains and carve out gorges. I can push through imposed barriers and also sustain life and provide energy. My energy might ebb and flow with the rotation of the earth, but no one can take more from me than I have to give. I can always find a way, whether it is cascading down, around, under, over or through. And eventually, one day, lifetimes from now, I will be completely evaporated into the clouds and rejoin and be dispersed to every part of the world as energy and life, leaving behind all impurities on the dry river bed. Until then I can take comfort continuously living in a cycle of giving and receiving energy, life, and love.
I tried to buy a ticket today to Peru and it did not work. Error in the booking system. Is it a sign about my path or just something testing my resolve?